we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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