Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
