everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
