Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
