He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
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He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
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Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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