I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
