Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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