i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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