Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
