Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
