I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
