Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
