I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
