my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I FOUND THE LEGS
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
