You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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