Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
where are you?
Hypothermia
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
