My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
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