I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
