break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
