A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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