In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
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something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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