so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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