FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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