Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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