just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
