She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
