plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
