When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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