when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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