My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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