I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
