We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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