When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
