So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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