if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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