im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
