My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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