where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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