Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
