I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
