im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
50% drunk capacity currently
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
