I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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