I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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