so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
