Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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