I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
