just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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