Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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