No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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