I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
