Rock
Scissors
Fuck
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
