Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
