Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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