If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
