I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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