I cut my penus on the lid.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
