Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
